Tuesday, June 1, 2010

where am i going with my life....

it just dawned on me today that i turn 19 in less then 2 months, but i feel like i haven't done anything in the last year. I remember this time last year thinking that im turning 18, and i almost didn't want to. I didn't want the "adult" responsibilities. Now im thinking, where am i going with my life, and what have i been doing for the last year??? I should have finished a years worth of college (actually more since i skipped my senior year), and i was really working towards showing my horse more and becoming a better rider overall. To bad none of that happened. The only thing that happened was me winding up in the ER 4(i think?) times in the last year, and having to deal with a huge change in my health.

I know i should be happy that i have been feeling better, but at the same time it makes me think that i have done nothing with my life for the last year or so. I have also felt like i have lost a lot of friends, because when i don't feel good i don't/can't always go out with them (especially since most live a distance away and i am not always up to driving) or even going out for more then 30 min or so, mostly because i just run out of energy at that point. Sometimes "happy/cheerful/bouncy" people get on my last nerve when i am not feeling good. most of the time its ok and i use their energy to help put me in a better mood, but sometimes i just can't deal with it and i don't know how to tell them that without being rude. I guess thats one of the things that i will just have to work on later down the line and hope for the best with.....

i am planning on starting school in fall, and just taking one class, but im super nervous about it, but excited. Im excited to go back to school, but im super nervous that im going to get super sick again and have to once again drop my class. It always makes me feel like a failure when i have to drop classes from school and wait till the next semester to try again. I haven't taken classes in almost a year (or more) now... so i guess ill just have to hope for the best in Fall.

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