Wednesday, April 28, 2010

i just don't get it....

why do people assume that just because i am young i am immature and won't be able to understand things? Don't they get that i have been though more in my life then a lot of people do? Yes, i am only 18, but i have had to grow up really fast, and i have learned my share of lessons in life too. But i guess that is to hard for people to grasp. But it doesn't bother me. I guess they can just sit around complaining about their life and not accept peoples help.

Granted, yes i do complain about my life, but at the same time when people offer to listen and talk to me i accept it. I don't insult them and tell them that they are to immature to help me, even if i feel that way sometimes. I try and give everyone credit for who they are and what they can offer.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

so freaking annoyed!!!!

I've spent the last 2 days in bed.. literally almost all day. Yesterday i only got up to eat/use the restroom, and then my mom drove me over to take care of a cat that im house/cat sitting for. literally the rest of the day i slept/watched TV. Today i've done nothing. im so annoyed. i just want to be able to go out with friends and not end up paying for it later...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

dear migraine...

PLEASE GO AWAY NOW!! ive had you since friday and i think its someone elses turn!

europe....

so im getting more and more nervous about going to europe this summer. I was at dinner tonight and was sitting still for a few hours (was sitting in a booth) and by time dinner wad done my hips were killing me. How in the world am i supposed to sit for 11+ hours that it takes to get to france, and then get off the plane, walk around for a little bit (extremely jet lagged) and then sit in a car for another few hours? How am i supposed to walk all around Paris and the rest of where we are traveling in France? MY mom offered to take me on another trip at a later point, but i couldn't bring up the courage to tell her that im just scared its going to get worse long before it ever gets better. In a way i really want to go now before there is no way that i will be able to do anything, but at the same time i'm scared. I am planning on taking every medicine possible that i might ever (read as never) need.. but still. i don't want to get there and find that my body is to warn out from traveling and the plane trip to be able to do anything and enjoy it...

Monday, April 12, 2010

learning limits....

so yesterday (well technically 2 days ago) i spent all day Saturday with friends taking pictures of a dressage clinic and hanging out... wow it sure did take a lot out of me :( I tried to sit down most of the day, and not push myself to hard.. but yeah. we all know that never happens. I was DEAD by time i got home, but since my parents still had people over i couldn't take my hot bath/drugs and go to sleep right away. by the time i got to bed i could barely move, everything hurt so bad. Waking up this morning wasn't much better. it was HORRIBLE. but i guess thats what i get for going out and having a TON of fun all day!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Is it that hard to ask???

Why is it so hard for people to ask before they take things... my friends dad and i switched cars, and then i go outside to look for the beast (the nickname for the expedition).. and its gone.. so i assume its stolen since i have the keys in my hand and was never told that it would be moved. I called my parents and they had no idea either.

Come to find out that their son picked up the beast.. although as far as my mom, my dad, and I were told that was now "my" car. Im ready to say give me my car back and u don't ever get to use it again.. but i know better then that. We had traded cars because i can't drive mine. Its a stick and hurts to bad to drive right now. Besides my focus gets 30-35 mpg and the beast gets 12-15 mpg. We were doing them a favor by letting them use my car that gets better milage in return for them letting me use their car that i can actually drive.

It was working for months now. If they needed the beast for a day or something they just asked me and 99.9% of the time i was totally fine working out another car to use for the day if i needed it. now i just feel taken advantage of. now i have to share the car with their son (who has killed 2-3?) cars already..

this is all prob stupid, but its just annoying me!!!! ugh

i give up sometimes....

i was really hoping that if i got out and did stuff all day (but not to much stuff) that i would be tired and able to sleep by the end of the day... well that plan didn't work...

my mom asked me to try and move my shoulder to see if i could move it, and if so how bad it hurt.. well that was a BAD idea.. i've been up all night with this damn shoulder hurting like freaking hell!

(that was last night, and i never finished the post.. oops) but i ended taking pain meds today and have been sleeping almost all day.. i hate having to take this much percocet, but its better then laying in extreme pain.. i have an appt with an orthopedic on tuesday.. so hopefully he will have an answer then.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

ugh...

i swear everything has been making me cry lately. Half the time i don't even know why i'm crying. Lately its been the most random things in the world, things that should never be sad. Ugh im tired of this... i'm tired of all these emotions.

I've been trying to get out with people more, but it takes so much out of me and people don't understand that. They don't get that just being out a few hours is really emotionally/physically exhausting. I know its good for me to get out, but sometimes people with to much energy is hard for me to keep up with... how do i explain this stuff to people without being rude????

Sunday, April 4, 2010

my body is out to get me.

Why is it that my body has to decide to start hurting at night when i am wanting to go to sleep?!?!?!? really body? i don't appreciate it at all.

my joints hurt, my head hurts, my muscles hurt. everything hurts. and ive already taken 1 hot bath tonight.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

How are you supposed to do anything if you are so exhausted in the first place?

Today i actually tried to go out and run errands with my parents. We went to get ours suburban smog checked, then went to pick my dog up from the groomers, and then went to the nursery to pick up a tree that my dad is going to plant, and then met a friend at a local car wash to swap cars out to get cleaned. After my mom and i went to the barn for a little bit, and i could barely do anything. I just put her in the round pen and sat down in there with her. I was so exhausted and hurting at that point i couldn't think straight or do much of anything anymore :(

Im sick and tired of having no energy to do anything anymore... ugh
hopefully tomorrow is better.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

can't seem to shake this feeling....

i don't know if it is still this flare or something else that is leaving me still feeling like crap. but i've just not been able to shake this horrible feeling. If i get up and do stuff i just end up being in more pain, thanks to my hips, but if i don't get up and do anything i still don't feel any better.

Is there some magical balance between not doing anything and doing to much? If so, its obvious i haven't found it yet, since today totally beat my butt.

I went to the barn for the first time since saturday? (i think?) and was exhausted and in pain and barely able to walk by time i got home (was out for only a few hours, and sat down most of the time). I can't seem to figure my body out anymore. I used to know my limits, and what i could and couldn't do, and what i knew i could push my body to do, but regret it the next day. Now i have no idea anymore. Ive taken a burning hot bath (which i may end up doing again this evening) since nothing else seems to be taking the pain away from my hips right now. I've taken a vicodin and a Soma and i really don't want to take anything stronger tonight, but i may have too. I don't know if i will be able to sleep tonight thanks to my hips, and we all know what happens when i don't sleep.. i turn into an evil bitch.


On another note, im supposed to go to the symphony with my grandma, aunt and my parents saturday, but after today i know there is no way that i can sit in those uncomfortable chairs for that long without being able to move. Granted, yes i know i could probably get up and walk around for a little, but it always feels really rude after i have been told so many times to not get up during a show or performance. I know my grandma is going to be disappointed when she finds out that i won't be able to go, because i know this night is important to her (my grandpa who died 10 years ago is being honored by the symphony), but at the same time i know my body would regret me going. im trying to figure out if there is a way that i can maybe join them for dinner, so i still get to spend time with my grandma and aunt, but then not have to go to the symphony? Who knows? I'm not sure if that would even work since i haven't been feeling to comfortable with driving lately.