i just don't want to deal with my life anymore.. im done. seriously done. im sick of all these pills that seem to do nothing but make me sick. im sick of trying new things only to find out that they dont work. im sick of people not wanting to do anything with me because i can't do the things i used to. im sick of not being able to walk. im sick of feeling like im going to puke from either meds or being in so much pain. im sick of my hair falling out which means i might have to shave it or do something really dramatic in order to fix it. im tired of people not understanding exactly how much pain im in. (does me not getting out of bed all day other then to pee and get something to eat not say anything). ive been basically walking around in tears all day, and am now sitting here crying hysterically because i don't know what to do anymore. I want to start school again this semester, but im scared shitless. i can't guarantee that i won't have more days like this during school. what do i do then? what do i do when i can't get to class because i can't drive or walk? what do i do when i can't walk from my car to class without using all my energy for the day? how am i supposed to sit though a 2 hour lecture without falling asleep and actually learn something?
right now i just wish i could be in the hospital and have someone at least make me comfortable for a few hours so i can sleep. sleep is my only escape anymore, since i can't ride my horse. i haven't slept in days... people wonder why i sleep till like 3 in the afternoon, and basically its because i figure since i can't do anything whats the point of being awake? people don't get that i put up this "wall" or "second person" during the day when i am out in public. i really try to now show how much pain im in, and try to help others. i have always been that way, putting others before me, but what they don't get is how much that affects me and how hard it is for me once i get home. i cry myself to sleep more nights then i can count, but no one knows that, and i honestly doubt any one cares. people tell me that they would help me though anything, and then when im feeling extra crappy everyone seems to disappear off the face of the earth. whats up with that?? really makes me not believe in friends anymore. Why is it that i have to turn to people who live on the other side of the world to talk to me and help me feel better? what happened to having friends that live close?
Monday, July 26, 2010
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Hang on, kid. Pain makes you think crazy things. It sucks, but remember, you've got the best doc in the world for this, and he'll get you through it.
Pain is just the nastiest, most evil thing in the world. It is the WMD of the enemy.
You're fighting a war, kid. YOU are the good guys. RA is the evil dictator. RA doesn't fight fair. If you give up, evil wins.
You are going to go through times in which you just want to give up. I've been there several times. I've been in so much pain because of brain swelling that I literally wanted to die. If I died, the pain would go away.
So, you are not alone. It may feel like it, especially when you are in pain worse than you could ever imagine, but you aren't. You may lose the battle that day, but remember that, whatever you do, you can't lose the war.
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