My life lately has been really challenging. I have been down many different paths in a very short time. Some people know everything i have been though, some of you don't. You all know i spent a total of 15 days in 2 separate hospitals and a total of another 2 ER trips (none admitting) during the month of August. You all know that i spent the first 5 days in one hospital for an increased heart rate and the second 10 days in another hospital for what was diagnosed as Pseudoseizures. They told me that they were all stress related and it was in a way a mental break down.
What most of you do not know is i had to have a psychological consult done on me before they would release me from the hospital. They were almost thinking of admitting me to the psy-ward for a span but decided it was not needed at the time. They did however put in part of the discharge agreement that i found a counselor and continue to go to them. This is all necessary because i do not know or realize what set of the mental breakdown. They are hoping therapy will gradually lead to find the main root answer and help me solve it in the right and proper way.
The other thing they also believe contributed to the Pseudoseizures was pain meds. Doctors have told me that they think my body has become super responsive and hyper-reactive to the pain meds. They think that my body may be withdrawing every 4-6 hours when the pain meds wear off. I am not to sure about that theory but right now i have nothing to do but try and follow it. So for right now i have not taken any pain meds (expect one dose for a migraine sat night since i was released from the hospital). This has been a really hard challenge for me because i continue to deal with a lot of constant pain.
I have also been striving really hard to work out and loose weight. I know loosing weight will be easier on my joints and in return cause me less pain in the long run, but working out and loosing weight is easier said then done. Its especially hard not having any pain meds to help me on the days that i accidently overdo things.
The other thing many of you do not know is that i almost got sent away to "fat camp" up near fresno. My mom wanted to send me away right when i got released from the hospital for many reasons that i will not go into now, but including not trying in life, and letting the disease control my life and not attending school. That is just the basics of what was going on the time, there was a lot more in the background contributing to me almost being sent away. I managed to talk to my parents about letting them give me a chance to try to make changed on my own. I had never honestly put my mind to anything in this matter since I had gotten sick and admitted that to them.

I started with a weight of 201 on Aug 27th 2010 and was only able to ride for 5 min or so at mostly the walk.  I was only able to trot/jog a 1/4-1/2 a lap around the ring each way.  Now on Sept 21st i am able to do W/T/C for a full 30+ min, had my first lesson in over a year thursday, and spent a day ranch sorting without to many problems and was even able to walk the next day.  I can now jog bareback for 20 min or so straight without a problem, and lope for a total of around 5 min or so bareback.  i can now ride tackless again because my muscles have gotten strong enough to be able to control her with that precision.  I am also working on yielding her hind quarters and forequarters, side pass and do leg yields under saddle again.  I haven't been able to do those in over a year due to my hips not being able to open that far and allow me to ask her clear enough.  

I know to many people it does not look like i am doing anything during the day still, but i am really trying.  Sometimes just my best isn't the same as  your standards.  All i ask is that people do not judge me, and just support me for what i have been able to accomplish and not just dwell on the things i still can not do.  I do not mind a friendly reminder or a "kick in the butt" if i start to slack behind and get lazy again, but at the same time i do not need to be told every time i talk to you.   I am doing my best to not talk about my illness online all the time, but to be honest i really do not know what to talk about anymore.  i do not know how to start a regular conversation or continue it.  I am working on that, but its hard to know where to begin/start/work on it when other people aren't always willing to help me learn and change.