Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I just wanted to share what i posted on my FB the other day...

So many of you know that I have Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and was just diagnosed a few months ago after dealing with this for what we think was the last 5 years, ever since I got hit by a pick up truck November of my freshman year. But what many of you do not know is that the “wall” that I put up to make everyone believe that I am able to deal with this new diagnosis is fake. Up until a few nights ok I was doing ok for the most part, kind of scared, but holding it together for the most part. But a few days ago, for some reason something set me off late at night and I lost it, since then I’ve been feeling depressed and just overall overwhelmed. I would guess (and have been told) that this is really normal because this is a life long, life altering disease. Granted, yes, there is a chance it will get a lot better once we figure out the right combo of meds, but there is also the chance that it will not get much better or even get worse. I am hoping that since the Cimzia alone was seeming to help (I still hurt, but it was defiantly better then were I started) that the Cimzia and methotrexate combined will make even more of a difference, but at the time I don’t want to get my hopes up to high because I don’t want to be let down. Yes, I have been thinking positive that the meds will work, but it’s hard when I am still in pain. 

It has also been hard since I have not been able to ride. I have not ridden in 4+ months. The most I have done is walk around bareback, and even then getting on almost put me in tears. It has also been really hard to watch other people ride my horse all the time. I love that people love to ride her, and I know that it is good for her to be worked more often, but its hard to sit back and watch knowing that I can’t do it myself. It has also been hard because I feel like I can’t really work with her anymore. I can lunge her without to much worrying because I know she is really good at lunging and doesn’t mess around on the lunge line, but I have been wanting to start ground driving her in order to prepare her for driving (in hopes that when I do not feel up to riding, I can still drive her), but I am almost scared because if she were to decide to do anything stupid or out of fear, I don’t feel like I could do anything to fix it. She is an amazing horse who I don’t worry about scaring, but she is after all a horse. 

It has also been hard because I feel like people got scared about when I started getting really sick. It felt like people thought they could catch it from me. No matter how hard I tried to stay positive and upbeat around people, they still acted weird and hid. I guess I can understand why it would bother them because I literally changed overnight. It was hard on me, so I know it must have been hard to watch me go downhill so fast. But what I do not get is why they couldn’t talk to me about it. Why is it so hard to sit down, or even call/text/email/IM someone if you are to scared to do it in person, and ask someone some questions or talk to them about what is bothering you or what you are scared of. I feel like that maybe if they would have gone out of their way to make me aware of what they were uncomfortable about that I could have explained everything more to them and in more detail or explain it in a different way that made more sense to them. But I guess I have to realize that maybe they weren’t meant to be my friends, since friends are supposed to stick together and not just run and hide when someone gets sick. So maybe it is time to start trying to find new friends who understand more what I am going though, and when I cancel plans it is not because I do not want to go out with them, or I am trying to avoid them, but simply because I either don’t feel good, or am to tired or a combination of both. 

I just want everyone to know what i have been going though emotionally lately. Also, this was probably one of the hardest things i have written/posted in a long time

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