so i think i get it now...

i think i get why this hip pain freaks me out so much.... I just imagine how much joint damage is being done when my hips are this bad... im scared to death to get cortisone injections in my hips (they hurt like bloody hell in my shoulders, i can't imagine how bad its going to hurt in my hips), and im even more scared of hip replacement surgery. People/doctors tell me that JRA isn't as aggressive as RA, but then why is this disease seem to be progressing so fast? Im 18 and wound up in the ER yesterday getting a shot of morphine and toradol. They didn't run x-rays or anything while i was there, just gave me drugs and let me go. i was surprised they gave me pain meds so strong, but my mom was there and explained that my percocet wasn't working and gave them the "i'm a mom who hates seeming my daughter like this.. give her something strong or else" Plus i was laying there half asleep, unable to stay awake, barely remember what anyone was saying at the time, and shaking out of control.
I was pretty much unable to stay awake all day yesterday! Hell, i fell asleep in a booth at a restaurant while my mom and i were trying to figure out which ER to take me to, in order to have better luck of getting actual care from a doctor who gave a shit. I haven't done that since i was super super little.

Why do i even think about these things? Im now practically crying because im scared out of my mind. I hate this disease. I spent a lot of yesterday crying to my mom that i wanted this disease gone, and that i never wanted to deal with this anymore. i hate being 18 and unable to get out of bed by myself. I woke up in tears from the pain and needed my moms help to get me out of bed.

I hate being unable to drive myself anywhere thanks to me taking pain meds and not feeling good and feeling like i would be unable to react if anything were happen. I hate the damn pain meds in general, yet i can't not take them. I hate having to take so many pills everyday, and i hate having to give myself a shot every 2 weeks. I hate having to worry about going out with friends for fear that im going to run out of energy and ruin it for everyone. I hate having to worry about driving somewhere and not being able to get home on my own.. I hate actually going somewhere and being unable to drive home on my own. I just hate everything about this disease. It has ruined my life. I know people say to just learn from it, and grow, but thats not helping me right now.. right now i don't make any promises to do anything because i always have to cancel them, and i feel bad after canceling with one person a million times. I hate the idiot that hit me with his pick up truck and caused this disease to start. I hate the damn depression that comes with this.. I hate having to take prednisone all the time. I hate the side effects from all the meds. I hate being terrified to go on what should/will be the most incredible vacation of my life.